The Undercover Mother_A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about love, friendship and parenting Read online

  ‘Sometimes I wonder if she really wants to be with us all,’ Naomi sniffed. ‘She can be quite superior at times… or maybe that’s just with me.’

  Jenny didn’t want a rift developing in the group. It was difficult enough keeping Gail and Antonia in the same room. ‘No, I know what you mean, but I think that’s just her way.’

  Gail marched over. ‘Those baby change facilities are disgusting. I have never smelt such a stench in my life. Excuse me.’ She stopped a young girl who was half-heartedly wiping tea around a table near them. ‘The bin in your baby change room needs emptying immediately.’

  The girl continued wiping. ‘I’ll let them know. I’m not on bins today.’

  Gail shuddered. ‘I need a shower after being in there for five minutes. You’d think a place aimed at children would have good facilities for changing nappies. It’s disgusting.’

  ‘Henry is going to need a change soon. Maybe I’ll just go home and do it there.’ Jenny was grateful for an excuse to go. Another day gone with no material. Although she could probably knock up a post about this place. A whole new inflatable world she hadn’t known existed.

  ‘Good idea. Thanks for the drink. I’ll have that and then go myself,’ said Gail. She put Jake back into the baby area, picked up a mug, peered into it and then put it down again. ‘Where’s Antonia?’

  ‘Gone.’ The expression on Naomi’s face implied that the two of them had been discussing Antonia in the baby change room.

  Jenny was irritated by their knowing looks. ‘She had to get ready for a business dinner,’ she told Gail, firmly.

  ‘Of course, the perfect wife needs to do her duty.’

  There was venom in Gail’s tone. Surely it wasn’t just about the nanny thing? ‘That’s a bit harsh.’

  Gail held her hands up. ‘Sorry, I take it back.’ She turned to Naomi. ‘At least John doesn’t make you attend dinner parties with his work colleagues.’

  ‘Even that would be better than spending time with his friends and family.’ Naomi sighed as she scooped up Daisy. Obviously, things had not improved between them.

  ‘Have you talked to him about it?’ asked Jenny.

  Naomi shook her head. ‘Not properly. But I will. I’m going back to stay with my parents in a couple of weeks. I’ll see how that goes. Then I’ll talk to him.’

  From the look on Gail’s face, Naomi had obviously been talking to her about it. And Jenny wasn’t sure that Gail was the best person to talk to about men.

  ‘Well, we’ll all have a nice night out with our men next week, anyway,’ said Jenny, brightly. ‘Even Ruth and David are coming!’

  ‘Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.’ Gail had her head inside her changing bag, rearranging the contents. ‘I’m not sure I can make it.’

  Jenny’s heart sank. ‘No. You can’t back out. We are so looking forward to finally meeting Joe.’

  ‘He might be working.’

  ‘Not again!’ said Naomi. ‘What were you just telling me about putting my foot down? We want to meet him. Tell him to come later on if he has to.’

  ‘We’ll see.’

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Pre-baby, I boasted that my social life would not really change after the small addition to our family. Knowing nods from friends who already had children only made me more adamant that I would be out at least one evening each weekend, and possibly a couple of nights in the week, too.

  Extreme exhaustion has put paid to that so far. But, a couple of weeks ago, I made it out and have now realised there’s another reason that parents of young children are not often seen out past 10 p.m. Hangovers and babies do not mix.

  One of the key issues is that small babies cannot move themselves to where you are languishing on the sofa trying to half-sleep the pain and nausea away. Therefore, when they cry for attention, you have to haul your backside over to them, even when you feel as if you’re on a moving ship. Rocking them in your arms is also a struggle when your head is thumping harder than the drummer in a marching band. And don’t even get me started on nappy changes. It’s not a proud moment to be dry heaving in the direction of your own child’s bottom…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  ‘Why, oh, why do you organise these things, wife?’ Dan groaned and lay back on the bed, his hands over his face.

  ‘Because if I don’t, no one else will.’

  He was always like this about going out. Henry’s birth had given him even more excuses to not leave the house. Tonight, he was coming.

  Dan splayed his fingers to look at her. ‘Maybe because they don’t actually want to meet up with a bunch of random people when the only thing they have in common is that they managed to pop out a baby at around the same time?’

  ‘It will be nice.’ Jenny was firm. ‘Stop moaning.’ Dan hadn’t guessed that she was hoping to get some material from the husbands and she wasn’t about to enlighten him, because he might sabotage her efforts.

  She had sent Mark an email to tell him that she wasn’t interested in writing the column he’d suggested. Email, because she hadn’t trusted herself not to buckle if he’d had the opportunity to persuade her otherwise. This made it even more urgent for her to get some good information. If the girls weren’t going to spill anything juicy, maybe their drunk husbands would.

  ‘It will be nice for you men to get a chance to talk to one another.’

  Dan took his hands away from his face and laughed. ‘What do you think we’re going to talk about? Which of us has changed the biggest nappy? The merits of a three-wheel over a four-wheel pram? Or maybe, “Changing bags: practicality over aesthetics?”’

  ‘Stop being sarcastic. You need to be nice to me this evening because they all think we’re a lovely couple.’ She threw a pillow at him. ‘You need to pretend to be interested in them.’

  ‘I’m interested in you.’ He pulled Jenny on top of him and rolled her over on the bed.

  ‘Stop it!’ She was laughing. ‘I have only just managed to make my hair look halfway presentable and my parents will be here to babysit in a minute.’

  ‘I only need a minute…’

  * * *

  Ruth and David were already at the restaurant when they arrived.

  ‘I’m so glad you came.’ Jenny had been worried that Ruth would pull out at the last minute. She wanted Ruth there. Sitting at home brooding was no good for anyone.

  ‘David said we had to come.’ Ruth smiled.

  ‘And I’m such a ruthless tyrant she could do nothing but agree.’ David held out his hand to Dan. ‘Hello, mate, couldn’t get out of it, then?’

  ‘Tried my best, but apparently there was a three-line whip on this one. Drink?’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’ David looked at Ruth and Jenny, wagging his finger at them. ‘You two play nice.’

  Ruth smacked his arm as he left. ‘Shall we find a seat? Strangely, I feel nervous.’

  ‘It’s because you haven’t seen everyone for a while. It’ll be fine once the night gets going.’

  Ruth lowered her voice. ‘I have to tell you this quickly before everyone else gets here. Don’t react.’ She glanced over to David and Dan and turned her back to them. ‘I’ve stopped taking the pill.’

  Jenny quickly turned her back to the men too, so that they couldn’t see her face. ‘That’s fantastic,’ she whispered. ‘Did you talk to David?’

  Ruth shook her head. ‘No, he doesn’t know I was ever taking it.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Nothing has happened yet and I’m still terrified, but “Feel the fear and do it anyway”, eh?’

  Jenny squeezed her hand. ‘I’m very proud of you.’

  A young waiter materialised and showed them to a table. ‘Are we sitting next to our partners or opposite them?’ asked Ruth. ‘Hang on, there are only eight places – who isn’t coming. Is it Gail?’

  Jenny nodded. ‘Joe couldn’t make it and she said she would feel like a spare part. I told her not to be ridiculous, but she was
adamant.’ She had tried everything to cajole Gail, but to no avail. It was the final straw. Jenny was going to find out about Joe one way or another. Even if she had to stalk her.

  ‘That’s a shame.’ Ruth paused. ‘Oh, here are Geoff and Antonia now.’ Ruth smiled and waved. Antonia came straight over and Geoff joined the other men at the bar.

  ‘How lovely to see you, darling,’ Antonia said to Ruth. ‘How are you? I’m really sorry about…’

  Ruth cut her off. ‘I know. Thanks. I’d rather we just ignored that huge subject tonight.’

  ‘Of course, of course, whatever you want,’ said Antonia. ‘My husband is driving this evening so I intend to get very drunk. Will either of you be joining me?’

  ‘Well, we’re getting a taxi home, but I only got Dan here on the promise that I would do the early morning stint with Henry tomorrow.’ The morning after Jenny’s night out with Lucy was still a painful memory. No amount of Chablis was worth that. ‘Are our husbands going to join us, or are they staying there?’ She motioned to Dan and he gave her a mock salute.

  As the three men strolled over, Naomi and John arrived. ‘Blimey, she scrubs up well,’ whispered Dan to Jenny. She could see by the looks on the other men’s faces that they thought the same.

  Jenny had to admit that Naomi looked very good. She hoped for John’s sake that he had been suitably complimentary.

  ‘Is that a wine list?’ asked Geoff. ‘What are we ordering?’

  ‘That’s what we were just deciding,’ said Antonia.

  ‘I think we should have a couple of bottles of champagne,’ said Geoff. ‘It is, after all, the first time we’ve all been out together since the last antenatal class, and weren’t they an absolute hoot?’

  ‘We’re not all here,’ said Antonia, pointedly.

  ‘Well, almost all. I’m buying,’ Geoff continued, plucking the wine list from Antonia’s hands and beckoning the waiter over. ‘No, no, it’s fine.’ He held up his hand as the other men tried to argue. ‘I’ll expense it – I’m due a few treats after the amount of time I’ve spent with clients this week.’

  ‘It’s true,’ said Antonia. ‘Let him buy it.’

  ‘How’s the nanny working out?’ Naomi asked Antonia.

  ‘You have a nanny?’ Ruth looked over the top of her menu. ‘Are you going to work?’

  Antonia shook her head. ‘She just started and she is absolutely amazing. She knows so much, and Jessica behaves like a perfect baby for her.’

  ‘I still don’t think I’d like it, to be honest,’ said Naomi. ‘I like being the one that looks after Daisy and does everything that she needs. I like being there for her.’

  ‘I’m still there most of the time,’ said Antonia.

  Geoff took his eyes off his menu and looked at her. ‘Really? Because every time I call the house, you seem to have just gone out.’

  Really? Where was Antonia going? Jenny stuck up for her all the same. ‘You have no idea what it’s like being at home all day – we need to go out for our sanity.’

  ‘Just ignore him. I do.’ Antonia waved her hand. ‘When are you going back to work at your magazine?’

  Jenny sighed. ‘Next month. I can’t believe it’s come around so quickly. I should be going in to speak to my boss about it, but I’ve been putting it off. There may not be a column for me when I go back.’ No one from Flair had called her, either. That was ominous.

  ‘So, what else could you do? Oh, I know!’ Naomi closed her menu and wriggled in her seat enthusiastically. ‘Why don’t you try one of the baby magazines? Think of all the things we’ve been through in the last couple of months. There must be tons of things you could write about.’

  Jenny felt her face freeze. She didn’t dare make eye contact with Dan. Would tonight be a good time to tell them about the blog? There was a friendly vibe around the table. Everyone would have had a glass of wine…

  ‘As long as you don’t write about us, darling.’ Antonia pulled a face. ‘Exposing our inadequacies to the world.’

  ‘Crikey, no!’ agreed Naomi.

  Jenny laughed weakly. ‘As if I would.’ Dan kicked her under the table. She kicked him back.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know.’ Geoff raised an eyebrow at Antonia. ‘I’d quite like to find out what you ladies get up to during the day.’

  Just then, the waiter arrived at the table with the champagne and a couple of ice buckets. He took their food order.

  ‘Let’s have a toast,’ said Naomi. ‘Who wants to make it?’

  ‘Geoff bought the champagne,’ said David. ‘It should be him.’

  Antonia cut in. ‘No. I’ll do it.’

  Everyone raised their glass and looked at her.

  ‘Here’s to friendship.’

  * * *

  After David and Ruth had dropped them home, Jenny’s parents had left and Dan had fallen into bed and was snoring, Jenny sat and watched Henry asleep in his cot. There was something soothing about his little chest rising and falling with his breath.

  The evening had been a success, apart from Gail’s no-show, and she was still thinking about Antonia’s toast. She had called them friends. Would she feel the same if she knew that Jenny was writing about her? Probably not.

  This wasn’t the only thing troubling her. Although Jenny had picked up a couple of ideas that evening which might be useful for the blog, she had nothing that was likely to make Eva jump up from behind her desk shouting, ‘Stop the press!’ And if she couldn’t make the blog good enough, she didn’t have a Plan B.

  And, on top of all that, she’d returned home to a voicemail message from her sister, insisting that she meet her for lunch on Monday.

  Maybe she should just crawl into the cot next to Henry and refuse to ever come out again.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Surprisingly, after an afternoon spent cooking, blending and decanting butternut squash, carrot and apple into tiny plastic pots, I felt a strange sense of accomplishment. I should have taken longer to enjoy the moment: I didn’t feel anywhere near as fulfilled in the next few days, as The Boy spat the damn stuff back out again.

  Last week, I tried distraction. I was quite excited as I thought I'd found a winning technique: putting the radio on and dancing around to Dexy’s Midnight Runners whilst shovelling the food in. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that during my world-famous double spin in ‘Come on Eileen’, he was surreptitiously spitting the food into his lap.

  The other mums aren’t much help. Posh has her nanny firmly ensconced to deal with the weaning when Baby Posh is ready, and Scary’s mum has done it all before. Sporty has tried to convert me to her plans for baby-led weaning. But Henry picks up the carrot sticks, looks me directly in the eye and then drops them over the side of the high chair…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  In the past, a ‘bad night’ had usually meant embarrassing drunken antics or getting stuck listening to a terrible covers band. Now it meant walking up and down the hallway with a screaming child.

  This morning, Henry was spreadeagled on his play mat. It was all very well for him to sleep now. Why not last night, when she had jiggled, walked, cuddled, put him down, picked him up? Sung? Soothed? Begged? It was tempting to pinch him awake and cry loudly into his ear – see how he liked it.

  At least with him asleep, eating would be logistically easier. Jenny had tried to cancel on Claire – dealing with her sister was difficult at the best of times, let alone when she was extra tired and emotional. But Claire had been insistent.

  And, over lunch, she was full of cheer. ‘Isn’t this nice, being able to meet up in the week? Just think, if you decide to work part-time, we’ll be able to do this all the time.’

  That did not sound an attractive prospect.

  ‘I don’t even know whether I’ll have a job to go back to.’ She might as well tell Claire and get the ‘I told you so’ out of the way. ‘I’ve turned down Mark’s offer. I’m not going to work for him.’

  Claire di
dn’t skip a beat. ‘Well, I must say I’m glad. I never liked him.’

  Jenny was grateful for her sister’s solidarity. She’d only met Mark a couple of times – family get-togethers were never his thing – but she’d never approved of his lack of ‘settling-down’ qualities. Dan, on the other hand, had been greeted by Jenny’s family as if he were the answer to their prayers.

  ‘So, what will you do instead?’

  Jenny shrugged. ‘Maybe I’ll do as you said. Give it up. Stay at home with Henry. Pick up a bit of freelance work to pay the bills.’

  She was so exhausted this morning that she had begun to think this might be the best thing. She was tired of trying to do everything. Right now she wanted to take it all: nappies, writing, weaning, meetings, rhyme time, research, friends, family – even Henry – and run like the wind in the opposite direction. She had had enough.

  Claire shook her head. ‘That’s never going to work.’

  ‘Pardon?’ Jenny was tired, but surely she wasn’t hearing things? ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because you love your job. You’d miss it too much.’

  Trying to think through the fog in her brain was beginning to give Jenny a headache. ‘But I thought you told me that raising a child was the best job in the world?’

  ‘It is.’ Claire refilled their water glasses. ‘For me. Not for you.’

  Jenny prickled. ‘You don’t think I can do it?’

  Claire sighed. ‘I can’t say anything right, can I? Of course you can do it. But you don’t want to. That’s the difference. I wanted to. I wanted to be at home looking after them and making my home nice and taking them to baby groups.’

  Jenny gulped down the huge lump that was threatening in her throat. ‘Are you saying that I don’t love Henry enough?’

  On some level, Jenny knew that she was overreacting because she was so tired. But she had tried really, really hard to do everything with Henry that everyone else was doing. Why couldn’t Claire see that?